...of the skeletons that lurk in his closet. I really am. How am I supposed to handle them? How am I supposed to understand all the shit he's gone through? Now that I am older, I realize that the 'love' we all feel for certain significant others is just a small thing in comparison to the 'love' we feel as adults.
Young love is all about the butterflies in the pits of our stomachs... being able to hold their hand and kiss them. We don't yet invest everything of our hearts into those relationships - there may be some few exceptions, but the majority does not truly 'love' their teenage sweethearts the way a husband loves his wife or man loves his fiance. As adults, we put our everything into loving that person and caring for them... Making them feel that they are loved and being taken care of. You begin to learn all of their favorite foods, colors, clothes... Learn all the things that they absolutely hate. Before you know it, you know them... The things that they feel about a certain situation. You could even be in separate rooms and yet your hearts and thoughts are synchronized... You know them. And you love everything about them. You feel comfortable with them. You could share your entire being with them and everything would be perfect.
So how do you say goodbye to all of that? How do you walk away?
I realize that I'm a different person now. It's only been 2 months since he left and yet... I know I'm not the same person he had originally fallen in love with. So even if we went 'back'... It wouldn't be the same. This new guy had changed me... I'm still not sure if it's in a good way or a bad way... All I know is that he opened my eyes and because of that, I have changed.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I've always seen so many relationships around me crumble to the ground. But in my heart I wanted to believed that love does exist... That your one special person - your soul mate... your other piece - does exist and is waiting for you.
Now I don't believe in any of that. I don't believe love exists. I believe that there's only companionship. A person who will take care of you and you'll take care of them... a mutual thing. Love is just a hormonal feeling. It doesn't really exist. There's no such thing as a soul mate... or "the one." The only thing exists is the air that you're breathing and the time that you spend on this planet doing things that ensure that you will live to see the next day.
Love is a distraction. Love is a figment of our imaginations - a human's wishful thinking that there's more to life than the everyday grind. Love does not really exist the way we all wish it did.
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