Strangers still.

There's still this strange haze that I can't seem to see through. Every time I think I can see the other side, the recollection of his past reminds me that there is still a ravine between us. No level of affection nor love strong enough can make those shadows disappear. It's like this constant nagging I can't get rid of.

He has a son.. Flesh and blood shared with another woman. His 'lover'. At one point in his life she was his only concern... The only thing that mattered to him.

Ugh. I can't fit into the seams of his life. It doesn't seem right. It seems backwards to try.

The truth is...

...I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I can handle his past... There's just far too much about him that I will never be able to understand. I am incompetent and naive.

I'm scared. I don't want to know but at the same time I do want to know... I just am stuck. I want my life back... but again... at the same time I like where my life is at right now.

There's just too much shit going on... I don't think I can handle it. I don't want to... Too many emotions both old and new... that are threatening to destroy my sense of normality.

I'm afraid...

...of the skeletons that lurk in his closet. I really am. How am I supposed to handle them? How am I supposed to understand all the shit he's gone through? Now that I am older, I realize that the 'love' we all feel for certain significant others is just a small thing in comparison to the 'love' we feel as adults.

Young love is all about the butterflies in the pits of our stomachs... being able to hold their hand and kiss them. We don't yet invest everything of our hearts into those relationships - there may be some few exceptions, but the majority does not truly 'love' their teenage sweethearts the way a husband loves his wife or man loves his fiance. As adults, we put our everything into loving that person and caring for them... Making them feel that they are loved and being taken care of. You begin to learn all of their favorite foods, colors, clothes... Learn all the things that they absolutely hate. Before you know it, you know them... The things that they feel about a certain situation. You could even be in separate rooms and yet your hearts and thoughts are synchronized... You know them. And you love everything about them. You feel comfortable with them. You could share your entire being with them and everything would be perfect.

So how do you say goodbye to all of that? How do you walk away?

I realize that I'm a different person now. It's only been 2 months since he left and yet... I know I'm not the same person he had originally fallen in love with. So even if we went 'back'... It wouldn't be the same. This new guy had changed me... I'm still not sure if it's in a good way or a bad way... All I know is that he opened my eyes and because of that, I have changed.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I've always seen so many relationships around me crumble to the ground. But in my heart I wanted to believed that love does exist... That your one special person - your soul mate... your other piece - does exist and is waiting for you.

Now I don't believe in any of that. I don't believe love exists. I believe that there's only companionship. A person who will take care of you and you'll take care of them... a mutual thing. Love is just a hormonal feeling. It doesn't really exist. There's no such thing as a soul mate... or "the one." The only thing exists is the air that you're breathing and the time that you spend on this planet doing things that ensure that you will live to see the next day.

Love is a distraction. Love is a figment of our imaginations - a human's wishful thinking that there's more to life than the everyday grind. Love does not really exist the way we all wish it did.

Not the same.

Our situations are completely different from each other. I have NO idea why he would think that my situation was anywhere near as bad as his. He's INSANE. I'M insane... I had barely grasped the kind of pain he experienced when she left him. I thought I understood the gravity of his situation - I thought I felt the same things he felt.

But it was NOWHERE near to the pain that he must have gone through when she left.

No way in hell was it the same or, the very least, close to it. We're talking light years of difference - if, hypothetically, light years was a measurement of emotional pain a person can experience.

I mean... I knew that I wasn't going to find anything good by digging around amongst his skeletons. Everyone has a past and secrets to hide - no exceptions. So I knew what I was getting myself into.

I get it now... It's so hard for me to believe that he can still function and give the world a smile after all the shit he's been through. If the pain that I went through after only a year and a quarter was barely manageable... I can hardly imagine the kind of pain he went through after six years and a baby boy had transgressed between them...

Being under the impression that the person that you gave your all to loved you back and wanted to be with you as badly as you wanted to be with them... Believing that you were going to marry that significant other... Believing that you two were perfect for each other - 2 pieces of a 2 piece puzzle - soulmates... meant to be together for ever and ever. Then suddenly realizing that it was all for nothing - all a lie or a mirage. A figment of your imagination.

They didn't love us. They didn't want to give it their all to be with us. They didn't want to put in that extra effort... that extra energy to be with us - the people that they supposedly 'love' and 'would never leave'.

At least I only had to believe in something that wasn't real for no longer than 2 years... You, on the other hand, believed in it with all your heart, soul, and mind for over 6 years.

If I was close to giving up altogether... then you must have been on the verge to calling it quits... or even already gone.

But yet, here you are. Strong. Head held high - a smile on your face...

If you can do it, then I can do it without question. But it makes me wonder... if I'm still not over a relationship that only lasted a little under 2 years... then how the hell is 1 year enough time to get over a relationship that lasted 6 years?

You're dying still or already dead. I know it because I'm dying now.

Inbetween.

I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but the fact remains... He left me. Despite telling me over and over that he loves me and only wants to be with me... He still left. And even though he had the means to stay, he still left.

So why do I love him?

The way his body feels against mine... The way I can stare into his eyes forever and get lost in them... The way I can run my fingers through his hair and down his body... I love it.

But then that begs to question, do I love HIM? Him, as in the kind of person he is.

In these past five weeks, I've questioned over and over and over again what it is that I want... What do I want from him - from our postponed relationship? Can I go back? Do I want to?

I'm hurt that he left me... And I feel that he doesn't love me because he was even able to do that.

Now, there's someone new. Someone who does understand the pain and the feelings of abandonment. I just can't tell what it is that I want... My heart is numb. Sometimes I feel little sparks of happiness and a small flutter of butterflies in my stomach with this new one...

He's sweet and he really cares about me for some damn reason.

I just wish I knew where to go from here.

[/edit]

And I'm freaking out, because I'm seriously stuck. I don't know what to do. I don't know what move is the right move... What if I make a mistake and pass up the wrong one? I love him... But he left. The new one and I have this really strange, but comforting, connection. There aren't any expectations.

What do I do?

You know you're in a deep hole when you realize that your heart undeniably belongs to one person, and one person only. But then it hits you - what that means... It pretty much means that you're fucked and you'll probably never love anyone else EVER. Even if you wanted to, you can't.

So then what?

Work.

I had work today (Starbucks...) and it's like my third or fourth shift. I understand that I'm 'new' but I really am not. I'm a rehire - so I know what's going on, none of it is new to me. Yet these 'partners' that I work with seem like they don't trust me with making the drinks or getting the pastries... It's really frustrating.

Being a barista is natural to me (it better be after being with the company for almost three years). I have a flow and a groove to the things that I do whether it be bar, register, or even floating. But it seems like Starbucks has become very robotic and IMPERSONAL. Even though that's the very characteristic they're spending all their research and development on - "Anticipate. Connect. PERSONALIZE. Own." The way things are being done at Starbucks now... is very VERY IMpersonal.

Baristas are like machines. "Step 1: Pour the milk. Step 2: Steam the milk. Step 3: Queue the shots. Step 4: Pump the syrup. Step 5: Pour shots into cup..." and so on and so forth. In this manner, baristas have all become machines and copies of each other. We are no longer individuals who help our customers in a very unique and special way.

NOPE. Not at all.

We are Starbucks clones.

I never understood...

...why people insisted on having blogs. But I kind of get it now. Sometimes when you don't know who amongst your friends you can turn to with the thoughts on your mind, the only thing left are the billions of strangers roaming the internet.

So I guess that's what I'm left to do.

For starters, I'm hating Facebook more and more. It just makes me realize how lonely my world is. You think you have 'real' friends or 'good' friends or friends who 'will always be there' - but then you go on Facebook and you realize you have none of that. The world goes on without you - without me.

I could disappear and no one would care. Sometimes I wish I could do that... disappear from the social world and surround myself with nothing but music and the words that I type out in front of me.

I feel stupid for being so melodramatic.  I feel stupid for bitching about my life. But you know what?

I do feel better about it, even if nobody ever sees this.